What if?

"Oh no..not again "she thought before she went on another "date"on a Sunday afternoon to a neighbourhood CCD. Their horoscopes had matched and she was considered lucky to get even get this alliance at 'this' age.

Her parents were desperate now. After all she was nearing her late 30s and was considered as too old in the "market"of marriage. Nothing mattered. Her degree in engineering nor post graduate in management , nor her art skills nor her state level championship in badminton nor her fitness or independence. In this marriage market she wasnt who she was. She was her " bio-data".. She was her " horoscope " ..she wasnt a person. So what? People in the past have married bio datas and have adjustedto live  happily ever after

Today she had to "close the deal". Every time she went ,she only thought of her mom's worried face, dad's tensed mannerisms and her gossiping "well wishers" as well as friends who suggested 'best' alliances to her. 

She went wearing a good Indian attire and long earrings with a bindi. She was pretty..definitely pretty but in her own way.

She reached the cafe to be seated opposite Anmol- a plus sized pot bellied software engineer who worked for a big company in California. After a brief round of ice breakers , he asked her the usual ' what are your hobbies?' ' how do you spend weekends'? ' and ' how religious are you? ' while shamelessly checking her out as she answered all the questions. She wanted to run away. Finally before asking her or trying to know what she wanted and what she felt,he said " alright then get ready. We ll get married tomorrow as I have to fly back to California the day after"

Tomorrow? She thought"Really? To this fellow..no.. But what will I tell my parents? Again explaining them about compatibility would be tough and then They will again feel I am rejecting him for looks!! And tomorrow nooo" 

" I wish I had told Samar , what I felt for him. What would I lose? Our deep friendship for each other? Better than marrying this moron. "

The next moment she did something unusual ..she took her shoes off , tossed them in the air ,grabbed her mobile and purse and ran ..she ran very fast..she fell in between and got up and ran again..It was getting darker and darker and she was running. Suddenly she came to an unknown place  close to the seashore and then and there she picked up her phone and dialled Samar" Hello " he answered

"Hello Samar..it is me Gargi.."

"Yes Gargi, what happened? Why are you sounding so hyper?" He said

"I got to speak to you regarding something really urgent"

...and before she could say anything ...her phone fell in the sea..

" hello..hello" Samar was saying from the other   end

And in that state of panic, desperation,anguish ..she jumped in the sea from the bridge..the fall was crazy..she was flying and " Splashhhhhhhh" she fell in the sea to search her phone..while shouting " Samar Samar"... The phone was definitely nearby as she could hear a mild ringtone ..as if it was ringing in water ..the ringtone got louder " Samar..Samar" she shouted..probably thinking if I don't tell him how much I love him I ll never get to be with him" Samar ..samar she shouted!

......

As she breathed heavily and fell off deeper in the sea..the mobile beep got louder and louder..only to find she was almost at the edge of her bed. 

She opened her eyes while sweating profusely..the mobile beep was her alarm.   

She hit the snooze button on her iphone. It wasnt in water. It was very much on her sidetable. It was 7:00 am in the morning and Samar was sleeping right there next to her sleeping and was snoring like Tom from the 'Tom and Jerry' cartoon show .He turned his side and placed his right hand across her waist and abdomen.It was a Sunday. So her kids didnt have school nor did she and Samar have work

She breathed a sigh of relief.She went back to sleep this time with the reality of being with Samar rather than getting scared of Anmol.

Even after 6 years of getting married to Samar - the love of her life and having 2 children..she had her fears ..her what ifs ..her worries. 

Fears are one of the biggest enemies we have. But the fact is that ..they are baseless and are illusions. So why live in fear? Why think of what if? And why think of them. . Your fears never come true but they do rob you off your sleep. So

Dont think of what if? It may never be